Last year, I successfully completed my honours degree in Psychology. It was one of the most challenging yet fulfilling experiences I’ve had. I was part of a fantastic class, with plans to apply for Masters. However, I didn’t get accepted into the ones I applied for. This year, I faced the harsh reality of returning to being self-employed after three years of full-time studying.
It was quite a shock to transition from following a structured education pathway to being my own boss again and having to create my own direction, which was quite daunting.
I found myself having to deal with a lot of rumination – negative thoughts, questions, doubts about where to start, which way to go, and how to get going again…which could quickly end up spinning out of control. I felt bombarded by thoughts I had little control over, leaving me debilitated. I could feel it rising from the inside, like an internal pressure that sits on your chest.
I realised I needed to find a way to deal with this emotional state if I was to have any energy to get back to work.
Daily exercise was one of the best ways to reduce stress and maintain a good mood. But I needed to work on the thoughts I was having.
Eventually, I figured out a sequence that helped me deal with feelings of overwhelm. Now, this is not to say that I am trying to be some kind of health professional (which I am not). I found something that helped me out of a tough spot – try some of this, and see if it helps. Of course, if you are dealing with something truly serious, seek professional help. I would recommend the help of a mental health professional anyway. I have found the experience to be truly helpful.
So here it is:
Step 1: Get into the present moment
Stop what you are doing. Literally, stand or sit still. Realise you are “in” this moment. Listen to your breathing.
Take a deliberate breath through your nose and listen to it. Focus on the breath going into your nose, down into your lungs…and pause. Try to hear the moment between breaths, the silence.
And then feel the breath going out of your nose again. Hear it, feel it literally at the tip of your nose. Listen for it.
If you are feeling that familiar fear about something, tell yourself:
“It doesn’t matter what is coming up; in this present moment, I am still breathing, I can do something, I am safe right here. Whatever is coming is not here now. I want to stay here for a bit.”
Then inhale and exhale a few more times.
Step 2: Realise you can choose your thoughts
You create yourself now, today, from this moment on. Every moment is a chance to create yourself over and over. Doesn’t matter what you thought before this moment. That is the past. You are not your past. From this moment forward, you can choose what to think. If you think about it, every moment is new. You can choose to think better feeling thoughts. You can give yourself a break. The negative thoughts don’t have to control your life. Even if that was your past, it doesn’t have to be your future.
You can also pair this with a few good deep breaths, fill your lungs through the nose, and breathe out through your mouth – feel the oxygen invigorating your whole body. From top to bottom, right into your toes.
Make the decision that you don’t want to go down this rabbit hole. Imagine an open door. You can see what’s inside but don’t have to step through it. You can get yourself out of this. If this is a familiar position, you need to decide to help yourself out of it. Because you actually do know where this train of thought goes. Is it somewhere you want to be?
Step 3: Look for the change
As you ground yourself, start imagining positive-feeling thoughts. ANY positive thoughts. Make a choice to WANT to feel better. This might take a bit of “self-tough-love”, but it can be done. Yes, this is the hard part – but it is possible. In this moment, it’s just you and yourself. Make a decision that you are in charge, you can get yourself out of this. Often when we criticise ourselves, it’s easy to keep piling on the baggage. But you need to realise you have a choice.
You can choose what to think, so why not just pick something good? Whether that is:
- Playing the “what if” game – what would the opposite of this situation look like? Imagine having that thing you really want – whatever it is.
- Look for positive proof from the past of the good you have done – any small win will do.
- What act of kindness did someone do for you? OR what did someone thank you for doing for them?
- Find anything that makes you feel better!
Now, this whole step also depends on another question:
“How bad do you want this change? How bad do you NOT want to feel like this?” If you want to feel bad, you can go ahead. It’s very easy to do. But if you don’t…then you will do the work until you find that thought that feels better than you feel at that moment.
Step 4: You get more of what you focus on
Now it’s time to make it stick. You have 2 options here:
- Either you managed to find that good feeling thought – then you tell yourself, “just keep thinking that thought; it will get bigger and eventually replace everything else.”
OR
- You still can’t find anything and feel like it can’t be done. Then you really crank up the volume on the Voice that says: “Do we REALLY want MORE of this?…REALLY? You know it will just get bigger…so let’s just take this off-ramp and find something that feels better.”
Once you are done with this sequence, take note of how you feel. Can you feel a change in your mood? If not, repeat the sequence or any of the steps on their own…until you can feel a change. Your thoughts are powerful, both positive and negative. And it can take a while. IF it still doesn’t work, distract yourself with a walk outside, reach out to a friend – do what you can until you get to the other side.
Let me know if any of this has worked for you, or what techniques you use to deal with those negative thoughts that hang around.